Did you ever hear the joke about the Jew, the two Micks and the Whop?
No, I don’t think so.
It’s hilarious. Ok, a Jew, two Micks and a Whop go up to a town called Arkham. They’re gangsters, and they’re going up there for a job or something working for some guy named O’Banion. He’s the big crime boss up there running an Irish mob. Anyway, they’re introduced to this guy through his second, Big Eddie and they’re sitting around waiting to talk to this guy, and they meet the boss’s sweetheart Elaine. She’s your typical mobster squeeze. She’s cute, a bit annoying and she tells the guys that the boss gets really pissed when people make mistakes. So now these guys are freaking out. The boss comes outs in a robe, all mobster like, and tells the guys he has three things for them to do. They say ok, and listen.
Is this going somewhere?
Yeah, hang in there its hilarious. The boss says I’ve got three things for you to do. First, a family friend has died. His name is Shawn Kelly. He’s not in the business, but a close friend. I consider him an uncle. He worked for the town’s waterworks and died of a heart attack. The rub is someone tried to steal his body from the funeral home and must have been seen by someone because they left the body hanging out the basement window. He’s says he thinks it’s a sick practical joke of sorts by a rival gang run by a Petrello, the Italian gang boss and he’s pissed about it. He tells them to go to the funeral home and check things out and find our what happened. Also, he wants to get a ring this guy Kelly was wearing. One of them Irish rings with the heart and two hands. I can’t remember…
…Yeah, a claddagh! He says get this ring for me. Its kinda been promised to me.
Second, he tells them to go to the wake and slip Mrs. Kelly some cash. Don’t let her know it’s coming from him. There must be some bad blood there or something.
Third, go check out this guy Petrello and find out what’s what.
Ok, so the guys go are off and running. First, they head to this funeral home. Its run by another Jew. Long story short, the two matzah balls go off and talk to each other and when they do this the other guys find out its near impossible to steal a body and get it out the basement, and then they see little bloody rat tracks coming from a drain, all over the room and it looks like the rats were trying to get the body out. Its bizarre, but hey that’s that. They do their best to take the ring off the guy’s finger, but its stuck good and if they try to hard they’ll rip the finger off. They decide to find another way to get the ring and they split.
Where’s the punchline?
It’s coming. They go to the wake and meet Mrs. Kelly. She’s a nice old broad. The Whop hides the money given to them by the boss in a book by her nightstand. It’s a book on Irish folklore. So what right? You’ll see that it matters. The wake is relatively uneventful until some one-armed guy named Dennis Connolen shows up. He’s a stinking drunk. He puts a dart in the dead guys hand and creates all sorts of commotion. Seems him and Shawn belonged to a group call the Sons of Tiperary’, except the big Irish guy is so stupid he thinks it the “Suns of Tiperary”. Dennis tells them that Shawn was having an affair with a woman named Diedre. She was a singer of some sorts. Wait, a minute…I think I got some of this backwards.
This is going nowhere.
Doesn’t matter. They leave the wake to talk to this guy Dennis and when they get back everyone is knocked out and the body is missing! They see these clues suggesting the body was dragged behind back and down into the sewers, so they decide to follow. It’s dark and spooky. Eventually they hear music in the background – it’s this Diedre singing! And then they see a ratman who tells them to run from the little people! Then they’re attack by what appears to be invisible leprechauns.
What!?! That’s the punchline?
No, I’m getting to it. They’re beaten, confused and spend some time in a hospital. The boss is pissed, but they still need to find out what happened. They decide to do some research and they find that in the civil war there was this guy who disappeared and the circumstances are similar to what happened with Kelly. They go talk to his grandson and sure enough, the grandson has seen these leprechauns and said that his grandfather wore a ring just like Shawn Kelly. Some more research on folklore suggests that Shawn Kelly made a deal with these leprechauns and that when he died they would take him with them to make him one of their own, but the gangsters still need to do what there boss wants, otherwise they’re in deep trouble. They learn that the only way to deal with these leprechauns is with holy water, religious rites, and sunlight.
That’s the part of the story that doesn’t make it sense. It seems they would be vampires, but no they’re leprechauns. So now the gangsters are going off to fight the leprechauns and get the body back, and then….uh….oh, crap.
What’s a matter?
There’s more to this, but I can’t remember it. I’m the worst at telling jokes.